Vinay

Alright, so I've decided to start a series of blogs that is interesting and relate-able.... BOYS. Not Men, boys. I've met many boys in my life (and only one man so far...) and the reason why I call them boys is because they were not someone that I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. At the time when I was with them, I forced myself to believe that they were my soulmate, but now looking back at every one of my relationships, I can really say only one of them was "borderline" my soulmate.

Let's start from the beginning... When I was a junior in high school, I met my high school sweetheart (in which I still consider him to be even up until now). His name was Vinay. It's a little funny how we started dating, because at first, I was sort of dating his best friend, Mark. I remember one day, Vinay came up to me and told me that I shouldn't trust Mark because Mark was a player and he didn't care about me. I was really touched by Vinay "watching out" for me that I slowly found myself falling for him. We would spend Wednesday nights at his house watching Dawson's Creek because that was both of our favorite shows at that time. He never wanted to make anything official, but after a couple of months, he finally did. Vinay was my first boyfriend, in fact, he was my first everything. In the beginning of our relationship, we really didn't spend time together like normal couples would. He always put his friends before me, and sometimes, if he felt like it, he would hang out with me.

I don't know what was wrong with me at that time, but I actually thought what he was doing was okay. I'll never forget there was a time when it was his birthday... I bought him his favorite ice cream cake, he came over to my house, blew out the candles, opened his present, and left to go hang out with his friends. There I was, left with an uneaten ice cream cake, crying myself to sleep because I was tired of the way I was being treated. I gave my all and everything toward this relationship and I was getting nothing back in return. I loved Vinay with all of my heart, and I really thought he was going to be the one for me.

Then there was a time when I finally found out what it was like to "hurt". It was Christmas morning, and one of my friends sent me an email written by Vinay to his friend Laura. Laura was actually both of our friends, and the funny thing was, I had always suspected something was going on between them two but never had the proof to prove it. Finally, in this email, I found out that Vinay cheated on me with Laura. Not wanting to believe this email, I called Laura myself, early Christmas morning, asking her to please tell me this email was a lie. But it wasn't... She confessed EVERYTHING to me. I don't think I have ever hurt as much as I did the day I found out Vinay cheated on me. This is after two and a half years of being together and thinking he was the one.

Even after finding out everything, I didn't end it completely with Vinay... I tried, but I just couldn't because I was blindly in love with him. We literally still kept talking to each other for another three years. He tried SO HARD to get me back, and for us to be back like how it was... But in the end, I just couldn't trust him. Finally, we ended everything... and we haven't spoken to each other for a very long time. I still think about him, and I will always have that special place for him in my heart, but in the end... When I look back at this relationship, it's better off where it is now because nothing would've come out of it.

This relationship has definitely killed me emotionally. After this relationship, I started comparing myself to every girl I saw. My self esteem has never been as low, and I definitely am still trying to build it up. But I take every relationship as a lesson learned... and this relationship has really taught me to not trust everyone that comes into my life.