My friends and I decided to come down to Manhattan Beach this weekend to just get away from our normal lives. I'm sitting here in a beach house (that is literally on the strand) looking out at the waves crashing in onto the shore. I have great friends who care about me and would do anything for me, I have a wonderful family who loves me for who I am, I have a nephew and niece that I can't live without, I have a great job that allows me to support myself, and I'm currently watching the sunset next to the beach.... Sounds like a great life to a lot of people, but yet, I find myself yearning for more because I feel completely hollow inside. Why?
I ask myself what happiness is all the time. I'm always trying to figure out what makes me happy, but I haven't had much luck figuring out the answer to that. Even though I am only 24 years old, I have been through A LOT of things that not many 24 year-olds have been through. I consider myself to be a good person... I have a good heart, I love people and being able to help people. Throughout high school, I've been through a lot of peer pressure of friends wanting me to try different drugs or substances, but I've never took a chance with it. I have never smoked (weed or cigarettes), I have never done any type of drug, and I would say the worse thing I've done in my life is drinking alcohol, which is something that I'm definitely proud of. Looking at my life from an outsider's point of view, I should be a really happy person... a person of joy and love... a person who can't get enough of life. But yet, that's something I WISH I can be.
I think in the end, I feel lonely. Because I feel lonely, I find myself being attached to guys really easily. Over the last couple of years, I have found that guys do not define happiness. Especially with my last relationship... I tried SO SO SO hard to make it work and no matter what he did wrong, I always found a reason to make it okay. I was basically that "desperate" girl doing whatever I needed to do to keep him in my life because I allowed him to define my happiness. And during that time, I truly believed he was my happiness.. and without him, I would be unhappy. Now that we're not together anymore, I'm slowly learning to love myself for me.. and slowly finding that I don't need a guy to know what happiness truly means.
Slowly but surely, day by day, I am finding that there's only one thing that can truly make me happy... and that's God. As much as I tried to deny Him and push Him away... in the end, when I think back to the last time I was TRULY HAPPY, it actually was when God was in my life. It was when I believed in Him and actually wanted Him to write the story of my life. I fell away from God a while ago and I am struggling to allow Him back into my life again. Why? Part of the reason I think is because I don't know if He's really there... and also, I think I can control my own life. Well, let's just say that I haven't been very successful in controlling my own life... All I've seen so far are heartbreaks, drama, and disappointments. And in all honesty, I'm so sick and tired of it. I look at my sister's life... I understand that it's not perfect, but I can see that she is truly happy because she has God in her life and she trusts Him with all of her heart and with everything that happens in her life. I find myself wishing that one day I will have a life like my sister's.
I guess I'm on a journey to find happiness... and I know this is going to be a loooong road, but I think I am ready to give it a shot.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Vinay
Alright, so I've decided to start a series of blogs that is interesting and relate-able.... BOYS. Not Men, boys. I've met many boys in my life (and only one man so far...) and the reason why I call them boys is because they were not someone that I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. At the time when I was with them, I forced myself to believe that they were my soulmate, but now looking back at every one of my relationships, I can really say only one of them was "borderline" my soulmate.
Let's start from the beginning... When I was a junior in high school, I met my high school sweetheart (in which I still consider him to be even up until now). His name was Vinay. It's a little funny how we started dating, because at first, I was sort of dating his best friend, Mark. I remember one day, Vinay came up to me and told me that I shouldn't trust Mark because Mark was a player and he didn't care about me. I was really touched by Vinay "watching out" for me that I slowly found myself falling for him. We would spend Wednesday nights at his house watching Dawson's Creek because that was both of our favorite shows at that time. He never wanted to make anything official, but after a couple of months, he finally did. Vinay was my first boyfriend, in fact, he was my first everything. In the beginning of our relationship, we really didn't spend time together like normal couples would. He always put his friends before me, and sometimes, if he felt like it, he would hang out with me.
I don't know what was wrong with me at that time, but I actually thought what he was doing was okay. I'll never forget there was a time when it was his birthday... I bought him his favorite ice cream cake, he came over to my house, blew out the candles, opened his present, and left to go hang out with his friends. There I was, left with an uneaten ice cream cake, crying myself to sleep because I was tired of the way I was being treated. I gave my all and everything toward this relationship and I was getting nothing back in return. I loved Vinay with all of my heart, and I really thought he was going to be the one for me.
Then there was a time when I finally found out what it was like to "hurt". It was Christmas morning, and one of my friends sent me an email written by Vinay to his friend Laura. Laura was actually both of our friends, and the funny thing was, I had always suspected something was going on between them two but never had the proof to prove it. Finally, in this email, I found out that Vinay cheated on me with Laura. Not wanting to believe this email, I called Laura myself, early Christmas morning, asking her to please tell me this email was a lie. But it wasn't... She confessed EVERYTHING to me. I don't think I have ever hurt as much as I did the day I found out Vinay cheated on me. This is after two and a half years of being together and thinking he was the one.
Even after finding out everything, I didn't end it completely with Vinay... I tried, but I just couldn't because I was blindly in love with him. We literally still kept talking to each other for another three years. He tried SO HARD to get me back, and for us to be back like how it was... But in the end, I just couldn't trust him. Finally, we ended everything... and we haven't spoken to each other for a very long time. I still think about him, and I will always have that special place for him in my heart, but in the end... When I look back at this relationship, it's better off where it is now because nothing would've come out of it.
This relationship has definitely killed me emotionally. After this relationship, I started comparing myself to every girl I saw. My self esteem has never been as low, and I definitely am still trying to build it up. But I take every relationship as a lesson learned... and this relationship has really taught me to not trust everyone that comes into my life.
Let's start from the beginning... When I was a junior in high school, I met my high school sweetheart (in which I still consider him to be even up until now). His name was Vinay. It's a little funny how we started dating, because at first, I was sort of dating his best friend, Mark. I remember one day, Vinay came up to me and told me that I shouldn't trust Mark because Mark was a player and he didn't care about me. I was really touched by Vinay "watching out" for me that I slowly found myself falling for him. We would spend Wednesday nights at his house watching Dawson's Creek because that was both of our favorite shows at that time. He never wanted to make anything official, but after a couple of months, he finally did. Vinay was my first boyfriend, in fact, he was my first everything. In the beginning of our relationship, we really didn't spend time together like normal couples would. He always put his friends before me, and sometimes, if he felt like it, he would hang out with me.
I don't know what was wrong with me at that time, but I actually thought what he was doing was okay. I'll never forget there was a time when it was his birthday... I bought him his favorite ice cream cake, he came over to my house, blew out the candles, opened his present, and left to go hang out with his friends. There I was, left with an uneaten ice cream cake, crying myself to sleep because I was tired of the way I was being treated. I gave my all and everything toward this relationship and I was getting nothing back in return. I loved Vinay with all of my heart, and I really thought he was going to be the one for me.
Then there was a time when I finally found out what it was like to "hurt". It was Christmas morning, and one of my friends sent me an email written by Vinay to his friend Laura. Laura was actually both of our friends, and the funny thing was, I had always suspected something was going on between them two but never had the proof to prove it. Finally, in this email, I found out that Vinay cheated on me with Laura. Not wanting to believe this email, I called Laura myself, early Christmas morning, asking her to please tell me this email was a lie. But it wasn't... She confessed EVERYTHING to me. I don't think I have ever hurt as much as I did the day I found out Vinay cheated on me. This is after two and a half years of being together and thinking he was the one.
Even after finding out everything, I didn't end it completely with Vinay... I tried, but I just couldn't because I was blindly in love with him. We literally still kept talking to each other for another three years. He tried SO HARD to get me back, and for us to be back like how it was... But in the end, I just couldn't trust him. Finally, we ended everything... and we haven't spoken to each other for a very long time. I still think about him, and I will always have that special place for him in my heart, but in the end... When I look back at this relationship, it's better off where it is now because nothing would've come out of it.
This relationship has definitely killed me emotionally. After this relationship, I started comparing myself to every girl I saw. My self esteem has never been as low, and I definitely am still trying to build it up. But I take every relationship as a lesson learned... and this relationship has really taught me to not trust everyone that comes into my life.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Here we go...
Okay... Take a deep breath, here we go...
So I'm sitting in front of my laptop staring at this screen wondering exactly what I should blog about. I was never one of those girls who had a diary hidden under her pillow that talked about the day to day life. I was never one who can just sit down and write down all of my feelings unless it was a letter or email to someone special. But yet, here I am, staring at a blank screen, with so much on my mind and not knowing how to type it out.
My family... that's what's on my mind. I paused for about 5 minutes prior to typing out this sentence, because I don't know where to start with "my family". But I'm just going to go for it and write down the first things that come to mind. My family history is a little confusing and twisted, so try to stay with me....
Ever since I was a little girl (and even until now), I never knew what "family" meant. Growing up in Taiwan, I was brought up by a maid my family had hired, then my grandma (on my dad's side) took care of me. What I remember of my mom was that she was always busy working, and never had time to spend with me nor my sister.... and my dad? I don't remember much about him, the only thing I can say is that he was never there. I remember going to school and seeing how my friends and their parents interacted and wished that I had the same relationship with my parents. My sister was the closest and bestest friend to me, but she came to the U.S. for school when I was still very young. When she left, all I had left was my mom...
When I was in 2nd grade, I had to take the bus and go home to an empty house everyday. I would turn on all of the lights in the house because I was scared someone was going to jump out of no where and attack me. I sat home alone in an empty house and waited (for what seemed to be a long time) for my mom to come home so we can have dinner together and go to bed.
My dad was never around. He was always off doing business or fishing. I never once got the sense that my parents loved each other. And I was right... When I was about 7 years old, my parents got a divorce. When I found out they were getting a divorce, I didn't understand that because of it... my life would be "hallow". In a sense, I feel like I have a deep hatred towards my dad. He was never once there for me, he never supported me.... he and I never had that "daddy's little girl" relationship I wish I had. My dad cheated on my mom, my dad yelled at my mom, my dad hit my mom...
So after they got a divorce, they came up with the bright idea that it would be good for all of us if we migrated to the U.S. Which, I've got to admit, I probably would be a completely different person today (in a bad way) if I never came here. My mom decided to stay back to work and make a living for the family while I came to the states with my dad and grandma. Thank God my sister was here already or else I probably would've hung myself.
I remember I was in 3rd grade when we came to the states... I didn't even speak a word of English. My dad decided he wanted to move to China to do business (leave... what he did best), and so my mom quit her awesome job in Taiwan so she can come to the states to take care of my sister and me. Well, from 4th through 12th grade, I never heard a word from my dad. No "hi, how are you" phone calls, no birthday wishes... nothing. Well, one day, we get a phone call from my dad in China saying he was going to come back to the states because businesses in China were not working out. So here's me... about to graduate high school where the biggest changes in girl's life was about to happen, I find out my dad (a complete stranger) was coming home.
My mom left to go to Germany to be with her second husband when my dad came back. She said she "had" to leave, but now looking back, she really didn't. At the same time, my sister got married to Benny, and they were moving to NJ to start their life. My two bestest friends and closest people to me left at the same time when I needed them the most....
Fast forward to today... 6 years later... I still do not have a relationship with my father. I'm currently living under the same roof as him, and yet we probably speak about 5 words to each other on a daily basis. I don't know when was the last time my dad told me he loved me or even gave me a hug. And my mom? She expects us to have a daughter-mother relationship over the phone, and I see her once a year. I miss her so much, she has no idea... But yet, I can't have a relationship with her (or anyone) just over the phone. I need her to be here physically... I need her to be here for my tears, for my happiness, and for my sorrow. But she chooses not to be here, and it hurts. There are times when I would cry myself to sleep thinking about my family. I feel so empty, so alone, and so lost...
My definition of family consists of my sister, brother in law, nephew, and niece. I've realized when the word "family" comes out of my mouth, I am only referring to those four people. I long for that relationship I see my friends have with their whole family, but I'm starting to realize that it probably wouldn't ever happen with my family...
I made a promise to myself a long time ago... I will never be my parents to my kids. I am going to love and cherish my children with all of my heart... and show them EVERYDAY how much they mean to me, because I never had that growing up.
So yes, in the end... I think I am emotionally broken because of my family...
So I'm sitting in front of my laptop staring at this screen wondering exactly what I should blog about. I was never one of those girls who had a diary hidden under her pillow that talked about the day to day life. I was never one who can just sit down and write down all of my feelings unless it was a letter or email to someone special. But yet, here I am, staring at a blank screen, with so much on my mind and not knowing how to type it out.
My family... that's what's on my mind. I paused for about 5 minutes prior to typing out this sentence, because I don't know where to start with "my family". But I'm just going to go for it and write down the first things that come to mind. My family history is a little confusing and twisted, so try to stay with me....
Ever since I was a little girl (and even until now), I never knew what "family" meant. Growing up in Taiwan, I was brought up by a maid my family had hired, then my grandma (on my dad's side) took care of me. What I remember of my mom was that she was always busy working, and never had time to spend with me nor my sister.... and my dad? I don't remember much about him, the only thing I can say is that he was never there. I remember going to school and seeing how my friends and their parents interacted and wished that I had the same relationship with my parents. My sister was the closest and bestest friend to me, but she came to the U.S. for school when I was still very young. When she left, all I had left was my mom...
When I was in 2nd grade, I had to take the bus and go home to an empty house everyday. I would turn on all of the lights in the house because I was scared someone was going to jump out of no where and attack me. I sat home alone in an empty house and waited (for what seemed to be a long time) for my mom to come home so we can have dinner together and go to bed.
My dad was never around. He was always off doing business or fishing. I never once got the sense that my parents loved each other. And I was right... When I was about 7 years old, my parents got a divorce. When I found out they were getting a divorce, I didn't understand that because of it... my life would be "hallow". In a sense, I feel like I have a deep hatred towards my dad. He was never once there for me, he never supported me.... he and I never had that "daddy's little girl" relationship I wish I had. My dad cheated on my mom, my dad yelled at my mom, my dad hit my mom...
So after they got a divorce, they came up with the bright idea that it would be good for all of us if we migrated to the U.S. Which, I've got to admit, I probably would be a completely different person today (in a bad way) if I never came here. My mom decided to stay back to work and make a living for the family while I came to the states with my dad and grandma. Thank God my sister was here already or else I probably would've hung myself.
I remember I was in 3rd grade when we came to the states... I didn't even speak a word of English. My dad decided he wanted to move to China to do business (leave... what he did best), and so my mom quit her awesome job in Taiwan so she can come to the states to take care of my sister and me. Well, from 4th through 12th grade, I never heard a word from my dad. No "hi, how are you" phone calls, no birthday wishes... nothing. Well, one day, we get a phone call from my dad in China saying he was going to come back to the states because businesses in China were not working out. So here's me... about to graduate high school where the biggest changes in girl's life was about to happen, I find out my dad (a complete stranger) was coming home.
My mom left to go to Germany to be with her second husband when my dad came back. She said she "had" to leave, but now looking back, she really didn't. At the same time, my sister got married to Benny, and they were moving to NJ to start their life. My two bestest friends and closest people to me left at the same time when I needed them the most....
Fast forward to today... 6 years later... I still do not have a relationship with my father. I'm currently living under the same roof as him, and yet we probably speak about 5 words to each other on a daily basis. I don't know when was the last time my dad told me he loved me or even gave me a hug. And my mom? She expects us to have a daughter-mother relationship over the phone, and I see her once a year. I miss her so much, she has no idea... But yet, I can't have a relationship with her (or anyone) just over the phone. I need her to be here physically... I need her to be here for my tears, for my happiness, and for my sorrow. But she chooses not to be here, and it hurts. There are times when I would cry myself to sleep thinking about my family. I feel so empty, so alone, and so lost...
My definition of family consists of my sister, brother in law, nephew, and niece. I've realized when the word "family" comes out of my mouth, I am only referring to those four people. I long for that relationship I see my friends have with their whole family, but I'm starting to realize that it probably wouldn't ever happen with my family...
I made a promise to myself a long time ago... I will never be my parents to my kids. I am going to love and cherish my children with all of my heart... and show them EVERYDAY how much they mean to me, because I never had that growing up.
So yes, in the end... I think I am emotionally broken because of my family...
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