My friends and I decided to come down to Manhattan Beach this weekend to just get away from our normal lives. I'm sitting here in a beach house (that is literally on the strand) looking out at the waves crashing in onto the shore. I have great friends who care about me and would do anything for me, I have a wonderful family who loves me for who I am, I have a nephew and niece that I can't live without, I have a great job that allows me to support myself, and I'm currently watching the sunset next to the beach.... Sounds like a great life to a lot of people, but yet, I find myself yearning for more because I feel completely hollow inside. Why?
I ask myself what happiness is all the time. I'm always trying to figure out what makes me happy, but I haven't had much luck figuring out the answer to that. Even though I am only 24 years old, I have been through A LOT of things that not many 24 year-olds have been through. I consider myself to be a good person... I have a good heart, I love people and being able to help people. Throughout high school, I've been through a lot of peer pressure of friends wanting me to try different drugs or substances, but I've never took a chance with it. I have never smoked (weed or cigarettes), I have never done any type of drug, and I would say the worse thing I've done in my life is drinking alcohol, which is something that I'm definitely proud of. Looking at my life from an outsider's point of view, I should be a really happy person... a person of joy and love... a person who can't get enough of life. But yet, that's something I WISH I can be.
I think in the end, I feel lonely. Because I feel lonely, I find myself being attached to guys really easily. Over the last couple of years, I have found that guys do not define happiness. Especially with my last relationship... I tried SO SO SO hard to make it work and no matter what he did wrong, I always found a reason to make it okay. I was basically that "desperate" girl doing whatever I needed to do to keep him in my life because I allowed him to define my happiness. And during that time, I truly believed he was my happiness.. and without him, I would be unhappy. Now that we're not together anymore, I'm slowly learning to love myself for me.. and slowly finding that I don't need a guy to know what happiness truly means.
Slowly but surely, day by day, I am finding that there's only one thing that can truly make me happy... and that's God. As much as I tried to deny Him and push Him away... in the end, when I think back to the last time I was TRULY HAPPY, it actually was when God was in my life. It was when I believed in Him and actually wanted Him to write the story of my life. I fell away from God a while ago and I am struggling to allow Him back into my life again. Why? Part of the reason I think is because I don't know if He's really there... and also, I think I can control my own life. Well, let's just say that I haven't been very successful in controlling my own life... All I've seen so far are heartbreaks, drama, and disappointments. And in all honesty, I'm so sick and tired of it. I look at my sister's life... I understand that it's not perfect, but I can see that she is truly happy because she has God in her life and she trusts Him with all of her heart and with everything that happens in her life. I find myself wishing that one day I will have a life like my sister's.
I guess I'm on a journey to find happiness... and I know this is going to be a loooong road, but I think I am ready to give it a shot.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Vinay
Alright, so I've decided to start a series of blogs that is interesting and relate-able.... BOYS. Not Men, boys. I've met many boys in my life (and only one man so far...) and the reason why I call them boys is because they were not someone that I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. At the time when I was with them, I forced myself to believe that they were my soulmate, but now looking back at every one of my relationships, I can really say only one of them was "borderline" my soulmate.
Let's start from the beginning... When I was a junior in high school, I met my high school sweetheart (in which I still consider him to be even up until now). His name was Vinay. It's a little funny how we started dating, because at first, I was sort of dating his best friend, Mark. I remember one day, Vinay came up to me and told me that I shouldn't trust Mark because Mark was a player and he didn't care about me. I was really touched by Vinay "watching out" for me that I slowly found myself falling for him. We would spend Wednesday nights at his house watching Dawson's Creek because that was both of our favorite shows at that time. He never wanted to make anything official, but after a couple of months, he finally did. Vinay was my first boyfriend, in fact, he was my first everything. In the beginning of our relationship, we really didn't spend time together like normal couples would. He always put his friends before me, and sometimes, if he felt like it, he would hang out with me.
I don't know what was wrong with me at that time, but I actually thought what he was doing was okay. I'll never forget there was a time when it was his birthday... I bought him his favorite ice cream cake, he came over to my house, blew out the candles, opened his present, and left to go hang out with his friends. There I was, left with an uneaten ice cream cake, crying myself to sleep because I was tired of the way I was being treated. I gave my all and everything toward this relationship and I was getting nothing back in return. I loved Vinay with all of my heart, and I really thought he was going to be the one for me.
Then there was a time when I finally found out what it was like to "hurt". It was Christmas morning, and one of my friends sent me an email written by Vinay to his friend Laura. Laura was actually both of our friends, and the funny thing was, I had always suspected something was going on between them two but never had the proof to prove it. Finally, in this email, I found out that Vinay cheated on me with Laura. Not wanting to believe this email, I called Laura myself, early Christmas morning, asking her to please tell me this email was a lie. But it wasn't... She confessed EVERYTHING to me. I don't think I have ever hurt as much as I did the day I found out Vinay cheated on me. This is after two and a half years of being together and thinking he was the one.
Even after finding out everything, I didn't end it completely with Vinay... I tried, but I just couldn't because I was blindly in love with him. We literally still kept talking to each other for another three years. He tried SO HARD to get me back, and for us to be back like how it was... But in the end, I just couldn't trust him. Finally, we ended everything... and we haven't spoken to each other for a very long time. I still think about him, and I will always have that special place for him in my heart, but in the end... When I look back at this relationship, it's better off where it is now because nothing would've come out of it.
This relationship has definitely killed me emotionally. After this relationship, I started comparing myself to every girl I saw. My self esteem has never been as low, and I definitely am still trying to build it up. But I take every relationship as a lesson learned... and this relationship has really taught me to not trust everyone that comes into my life.
Let's start from the beginning... When I was a junior in high school, I met my high school sweetheart (in which I still consider him to be even up until now). His name was Vinay. It's a little funny how we started dating, because at first, I was sort of dating his best friend, Mark. I remember one day, Vinay came up to me and told me that I shouldn't trust Mark because Mark was a player and he didn't care about me. I was really touched by Vinay "watching out" for me that I slowly found myself falling for him. We would spend Wednesday nights at his house watching Dawson's Creek because that was both of our favorite shows at that time. He never wanted to make anything official, but after a couple of months, he finally did. Vinay was my first boyfriend, in fact, he was my first everything. In the beginning of our relationship, we really didn't spend time together like normal couples would. He always put his friends before me, and sometimes, if he felt like it, he would hang out with me.
I don't know what was wrong with me at that time, but I actually thought what he was doing was okay. I'll never forget there was a time when it was his birthday... I bought him his favorite ice cream cake, he came over to my house, blew out the candles, opened his present, and left to go hang out with his friends. There I was, left with an uneaten ice cream cake, crying myself to sleep because I was tired of the way I was being treated. I gave my all and everything toward this relationship and I was getting nothing back in return. I loved Vinay with all of my heart, and I really thought he was going to be the one for me.
Then there was a time when I finally found out what it was like to "hurt". It was Christmas morning, and one of my friends sent me an email written by Vinay to his friend Laura. Laura was actually both of our friends, and the funny thing was, I had always suspected something was going on between them two but never had the proof to prove it. Finally, in this email, I found out that Vinay cheated on me with Laura. Not wanting to believe this email, I called Laura myself, early Christmas morning, asking her to please tell me this email was a lie. But it wasn't... She confessed EVERYTHING to me. I don't think I have ever hurt as much as I did the day I found out Vinay cheated on me. This is after two and a half years of being together and thinking he was the one.
Even after finding out everything, I didn't end it completely with Vinay... I tried, but I just couldn't because I was blindly in love with him. We literally still kept talking to each other for another three years. He tried SO HARD to get me back, and for us to be back like how it was... But in the end, I just couldn't trust him. Finally, we ended everything... and we haven't spoken to each other for a very long time. I still think about him, and I will always have that special place for him in my heart, but in the end... When I look back at this relationship, it's better off where it is now because nothing would've come out of it.
This relationship has definitely killed me emotionally. After this relationship, I started comparing myself to every girl I saw. My self esteem has never been as low, and I definitely am still trying to build it up. But I take every relationship as a lesson learned... and this relationship has really taught me to not trust everyone that comes into my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
