My friends and I decided to come down to Manhattan Beach this weekend to just get away from our normal lives. I'm sitting here in a beach house (that is literally on the strand) looking out at the waves crashing in onto the shore. I have great friends who care about me and would do anything for me, I have a wonderful family who loves me for who I am, I have a nephew and niece that I can't live without, I have a great job that allows me to support myself, and I'm currently watching the sunset next to the beach.... Sounds like a great life to a lot of people, but yet, I find myself yearning for more because I feel completely hollow inside. Why?
I ask myself what happiness is all the time. I'm always trying to figure out what makes me happy, but I haven't had much luck figuring out the answer to that. Even though I am only 24 years old, I have been through A LOT of things that not many 24 year-olds have been through. I consider myself to be a good person... I have a good heart, I love people and being able to help people. Throughout high school, I've been through a lot of peer pressure of friends wanting me to try different drugs or substances, but I've never took a chance with it. I have never smoked (weed or cigarettes), I have never done any type of drug, and I would say the worse thing I've done in my life is drinking alcohol, which is something that I'm definitely proud of. Looking at my life from an outsider's point of view, I should be a really happy person... a person of joy and love... a person who can't get enough of life. But yet, that's something I WISH I can be.
I think in the end, I feel lonely. Because I feel lonely, I find myself being attached to guys really easily. Over the last couple of years, I have found that guys do not define happiness. Especially with my last relationship... I tried SO SO SO hard to make it work and no matter what he did wrong, I always found a reason to make it okay. I was basically that "desperate" girl doing whatever I needed to do to keep him in my life because I allowed him to define my happiness. And during that time, I truly believed he was my happiness.. and without him, I would be unhappy. Now that we're not together anymore, I'm slowly learning to love myself for me.. and slowly finding that I don't need a guy to know what happiness truly means.
Slowly but surely, day by day, I am finding that there's only one thing that can truly make me happy... and that's God. As much as I tried to deny Him and push Him away... in the end, when I think back to the last time I was TRULY HAPPY, it actually was when God was in my life. It was when I believed in Him and actually wanted Him to write the story of my life. I fell away from God a while ago and I am struggling to allow Him back into my life again. Why? Part of the reason I think is because I don't know if He's really there... and also, I think I can control my own life. Well, let's just say that I haven't been very successful in controlling my own life... All I've seen so far are heartbreaks, drama, and disappointments. And in all honesty, I'm so sick and tired of it. I look at my sister's life... I understand that it's not perfect, but I can see that she is truly happy because she has God in her life and she trusts Him with all of her heart and with everything that happens in her life. I find myself wishing that one day I will have a life like my sister's.
I guess I'm on a journey to find happiness... and I know this is going to be a loooong road, but I think I am ready to give it a shot.
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