Here we go...

Okay... Take a deep breath, here we go...

So I'm sitting in front of my laptop staring at this screen wondering exactly what I should blog about. I was never one of those girls who had a diary hidden under her pillow that talked about the day to day life. I was never one who can just sit down and write down all of my feelings unless it was a letter or email to someone special. But yet, here I am, staring at a blank screen, with so much on my mind and not knowing how to type it out.

My family... that's what's on my mind. I paused for about 5 minutes prior to typing out this sentence, because I don't know where to start with "my family". But I'm just going to go for it and write down the first things that come to mind. My family history is a little confusing and twisted, so try to stay with me....

Ever since I was a little girl (and even until now), I never knew what "family" meant. Growing up in Taiwan, I was brought up by a maid my family had hired, then my grandma (on my dad's side) took care of me. What I remember of my mom was that she was always busy working, and never had time to spend with me nor my sister.... and my dad? I don't remember much about him, the only thing I can say is that he was never there. I remember going to school and seeing how my friends and their parents interacted and wished that I had the same relationship with my parents. My sister was the closest and bestest friend to me, but she came to the U.S. for school when I was still very young. When she left, all I had left was my mom...

When I was in 2nd grade, I had to take the bus and go home to an empty house everyday. I would turn on all of the lights in the house because I was scared someone was going to jump out of no where and attack me. I sat home alone in an empty house and waited (for what seemed to be a long time) for my mom to come home so we can have dinner together and go to bed.

My dad was never around. He was always off doing business or fishing. I never once got the sense that my parents loved each other. And I was right... When I was about 7 years old, my parents got a divorce. When I found out they were getting a divorce, I didn't understand that because of it... my life would be "hallow". In a sense, I feel like I have a deep hatred towards my dad. He was never once there for me, he never supported me.... he and I never had that "daddy's little girl" relationship I wish I had. My dad cheated on my mom, my dad yelled at my mom, my dad hit my mom...

So after they got a divorce, they came up with the bright idea that it would be good for all of us if we migrated to the U.S. Which, I've got to admit, I probably would be a completely different person today (in a bad way) if I never came here. My mom decided to stay back to work and make a living for the family while I came to the states with my dad and grandma. Thank God my sister was here already or else I probably would've hung myself.

I remember I was in 3rd grade when we came to the states... I didn't even speak a word of English. My dad decided he wanted to move to China to do business (leave... what he did best), and so my mom quit her awesome job in Taiwan so she can come to the states to take care of my sister and me. Well, from 4th through 12th grade, I never heard a word from my dad. No "hi, how are you" phone calls, no birthday wishes... nothing. Well, one day, we get a phone call from my dad in China saying he was going to come back to the states because businesses in China were not working out. So here's me... about to graduate high school where the biggest changes in girl's life was about to happen, I find out my dad (a complete stranger) was coming home.

My mom left to go to Germany to be with her second husband when my dad came back. She said she "had" to leave, but now looking back, she really didn't. At the same time, my sister got married to Benny, and they were moving to NJ to start their life. My two bestest friends and closest people to me left at the same time when I needed them the most....

Fast forward to today... 6 years later... I still do not have a relationship with my father. I'm currently living under the same roof as him, and yet we probably speak about 5 words to each other on a daily basis. I don't know when was the last time my dad told me he loved me or even gave me a hug. And my mom? She expects us to have a daughter-mother relationship over the phone, and I see her once a year. I miss her so much, she has no idea... But yet, I can't have a relationship with her (or anyone) just over the phone. I need her to be here physically... I need her to be here for my tears, for my happiness, and for my sorrow. But she chooses not to be here, and it hurts. There are times when I would cry myself to sleep thinking about my family. I feel so empty, so alone, and so lost...

My definition of family consists of my sister, brother in law, nephew, and niece. I've realized when the word "family" comes out of my mouth, I am only referring to those four people. I long for that relationship I see my friends have with their whole family, but I'm starting to realize that it probably wouldn't ever happen with my family...

I made a promise to myself a long time ago... I will never be my parents to my kids. I am going to love and cherish my children with all of my heart... and show them EVERYDAY how much they mean to me, because I never had that growing up.

So yes, in the end... I think I am emotionally broken because of my family...